Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Cookies and milk

Today's a Tuesday, posing as a Monday.

Things lately haven't been so bad. Lemme see, lemme see.

Thursday, actually was a disaster. A fucking pre-teen lead riot at work, that lasted for about two hours at  least, an abundance of miscommunication followed by a very disorganized debriefing of the incident. It was exhausting to put it lightly, and on top of that I lost my god damn phone on a bus in Oakland (thankfully it was returned to me after many AC Transit phone calls and vigilant Find-Your-iPhone stalking. I'm a lucky bitch).

Friday I had intended on taking off but I couldn't cause I didn't have a phone. Most of the children were exhausted from the anarchy of the previous day. I was hung over. Mellow, hopeful and exhausted.

Saturday...Saturday I met up with Javier and Derek. Me and Nick I should say. Drank lots of beers and got a bit rowdy. I called it a night early cause I was tired. I've been plenty tired lately.

Sunday I felt like shit. Nick went climbing. I climbed as well, mostly out of bed, then back into bed, then to the bathroom, then bed, then shower, then down the street to buy a Squirt to ease my general discomfort. I felt at odds with my bones and my lymph nodes continue to do that curious thing where they hurt like hell.

I recovered and actually slept pretty well. I actually had a great day on Sunday, if I'm being completely honest. Nick and I laughed a lot, at one point I got on his lap and gave a speech, not a rehearsed one, but an honest to God, I'm touched in this moment, I fucking love you, dreamy, soft and melting, I love you to death, why don't you know that, how can I make you know that, baby what do you need, speech. Aggressive, but in a sing-song voice type-a speech. I meant it. Sincerely, but the antecedent was unclear to me, and especially to him. I think it resonated, as much as it can at least. I've come to the conclusion that Nick is often shaken by unexpected bouts of affection, not sure if that's from the world at large or just from me cause I'm usually a stone cold smart ass weirdo.

I digress.

I started settling into the night, even earlier that day I felt HAPPY. Weird and crazy, butterflies and rainbows, deep sighs and hair twirls happy. In love, some might say. Some. Might.

Anyways, it was nice and the evening was nice. This niceness continued on until Monday and throughout Tuesday up until about 4 hours ago. I got smacked with some pangs of what the fuck am I doing with my life, but not enough to shake me, at least not to my core like they usually do. I talked to Caitlin on the phone, she's getting sexually harassed by some weird old man neighbor and the boys in her life are simply not cuttin' it.

I'm feeling okay right now. I haven't been writing, but I can say that I have been opening up taps on Mozilla for new posts. I stare at them and think about it, and maybe that's the issue, I gotta stop thinking about it. Right now I'm not thinking about anything at all, save for my cookies and milk from Trader Joes.

I really love Nick and it's scaring the fuck out of me. It feels good but it's worrisome too. Sometimes it doesn't feel good. I often times wonder if he's as fucked up as me and if that'd be a good thing. I love him. I like writing that.

I love him. Love. Him. A whole fucking lot.

Lemme see.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Today was alright. I went to bed in a pretty good space with Nick. Saturday got a little heavy, and last evening I was feeling the after effects of that. I also think that I simply have my own things going on and more often then not I intertwine my personal heaviness with the relationship heaviness and that results in bickering and confusion. I've been having highs and lows lately, like I normally do but there seems to be less neutral in between time to maintain balance. I'm not sure why this is.

I had an anxiety spike circa early summer and another around Christmas. I guess both are triggering times so it makes some sense. Lately I feel moderate depression, that generally results in me being really, really tired. I struggle to get out of bed and whatever sleep I do manage to have is disturbed.

In addition to a lingering sadness, I've also had more frequent bouts of mania. At least, what I think is mania. To sum it up, I feel like I go days feeling low and blue and slow. Then, maybe once every other week I seem to "wake up", and I suddenly feel complacent but mischievous. Which translates to bored, basically. But a little sinister. More often then not, I lately feel like I'm walking the line between "devil's advocate" and "instigator". "Curious" and "up to no good". But I'm not up to no good. In fact I've been really good. I feel light on my feet sometimes. It's peculiar, but I'll take it.

When I used to stop taking meds or start cutting or do drugs or whatever whatever, I would at times, "wake up". I sometimes think I have two personalities. On the day to day I'm pretty introvert and mellow, I just go through the motions, feel some pangs of stress or sadness, primarily exhaustion. And I'm like a fuckin' assembly line worker, just doing what I am programmed to do and relying on mental muscle memory to make that happen.

But then, sometimes I feel like I get a shot of adrenaline and I'm UP, I'm really feeling the moment. It's like I stretch out and part of me is suddenly jump started and back in action; whether or not that is good or bad depends on the time, depends on what is happening in my environment.

I feel tired right now.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Don't call it a comeback.

I've decided to start blogging again. Technically I've had a Tumblr for awhile now but it consists mainly of Lena Dunham quotes and pornography, a few of my favorite things no doubt, but not exactly heavy on depth. I think I'll feel better if I start writing again. Most of my previous blogs make me want to cringe and die, but I appreciated finding this one. One thing that has always been difficult for me to overcome is to get over the urge to write for an audience. Which kind of sounds like the opposite of what most writers should do; there's often a target audience you want to appeal for and some day I'd like one I suppose, but before that I need how to learn how to write for myself. Anyways, the point of that was to say that I'm not sure who exactly my target audience was circa 2009 (though I can probably guess..), but I'd be willing to bet that the shit I was writing was primarily to impress someone or make them perceive me someway (i.e; cooler, thoughtful, and more put together then I actually was, am or will ever be without therapy). I don't remember being that contained, and things certainly were not as sunny as they're depicted in some of these posts. I guess the anxiety has remained constant. And the self loathing. But yeah. I guess I'll give this a shot.

but yesterday you said tomorrow

I lack grace and maturity, I mumble, can't hold my alcohol, I buy clothes I don't need that don't fit me right, I drive too fast. I can't cook, don't want to exercise, I have lots of split ends, I cry when I'm happy, yell when I'm sad, I'm impulsive and lazy, overly analytical I am afraid of the dark, I read the last sentence of the last page books.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I feel so thankful.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


I went shopping online today, and got 5 items, all of which were on sale and I found a 25% discount coupon. Score? I think this shirt's my favorite:

I used to be really self conscious of shirts that showed my back because of the surgical scar but now it's faded and not very noticeable. Most people have more class than to ask about it, and if they did I'd probably say I was shanked in a gang fight or something cooler than "I had spinal surgery." Today I hardly did anything productive. I laid in bed and ate strawberries and sorta drifted in and out of sleep. At 10 I left and went to pick up Maricel from work. We went to Jack in the Box and headed over to Theurkauf after. Very mellow.

I'm trying to find a job this summer. Maybe in retail so I can get those discounts.

Time to sleep and watch Recess.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

togetherness is all I'm after

I went to bed at 5am yesterday morning And woke up at 10am which is ridiculous, so I did some reading about time vortexes and watched Michael Jackson's memorial service, which was incredibly sad especially when his daughter spoke. After that I took a nap. I didn't start fully functioning until about 230. Danika came to my house during the evening so I could do her makeup and talk for a bit, and right after she left Erik swooped me up and we went to La Fiesta. I ate too much, my eyes are always bigger than my stomach. Me and Erik stoged at Whisman and it felt really nice just sitting there on the curb in the park piecing a cigarette together.

I'm gonna make a list and then I am off to sleep.

Things I've liked a lot lately:
-meeting new people which I have been doing a lot of
-chicken mole enchiladas
-Woodstock '69
-THEM THANGS, an art blog with lots of profanity, nudity, drug content, pop culture references, all that good stuff.
-Amy Winehouse inspired eye makeup
-Camel 99's (sorry lungs)
-pictures from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
-The Fountainhead
-forehead kisses (lame I know shut up)
-the Bermuda Triangle
-Keri Hilson
-late night walks
-acoustic/cover version songs
-nostalgia in all its forms (old pictures, some songs, Xangas, saved AIM conversations)
-soft serve ice cream
-my handcuffs necklace

I hope this feel-good streak lasts awhile, I really dig it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

it kinda struck a little bell in fact, I like to keep my little shell intact

I got home from Erik's house about an hour ago. We walked around the neighborhood, and watched Weeds. He let me eat the last of the paella even though he was real stingy on the shrimp. Earlier today, during the afternoon I picked him up and drove around, ended up at Egan and just sat there for about a half hour. There are some people that you can just be around, without feeling any pressure to entertain or do a song and dance type thing to keep them distracted so it doesn't go silent and get all awkward, and I think that's how we are, and I appreciate that especially right now, with all this craziness lately. I zoned out while driving home tonight. I went into autopilot and just ended up on Castro, I had to think back and make sure I didn't run any lights or anything. I love driving down Castro late at night, even though it's faster to go Central to get to my house. It's relaxing. Plus there's no lights on Central and I'm scared of the dark, even in the safety of my car.

I'm looking through old pictures. I love finding these no matter how poor quality they are/awkward I look/annoying that stupid heart shit I drew in the corner is.
We were so young and stupid, I miss being free enough to do that. I don't know how big of a fan I am of this growing up thing.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I know by saying this I run a great risk of sounding really fucking lame, but I think Jack White's voice moves me. I don't believe I have an attraction to any contemporary artist to the same extent as I do for The White Stripes.

Erik bought me a ring for my 18th birthday from Tiffany's. I was relaxing aka damaging my hair, and the chemicals turned it brownish, now it looks sort of copper and I feel like I should be upset but I kind of like it. It's fading now so it just looks a little worn. Yeah, that's all I have to say.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

But just because he doesn't do what everybody else does, that's no reason why I can't give him all my love.